


Call the Doctor's!

by Rowenna22



Category: Glee
Genre: Drunk Dancing, Gen, Underage Drinking, You Have Been Warned, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-07 10:25:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/430017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowenna22/pseuds/Rowenna22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you have two depressed teens, friends, alcohol, and a video camera? Nothing but fun. </p><p>Clean fun, get your minds out of the gutter! Featuring the Guys of Glee, Puck, Finn, Matt, Mike, Artie, and Kurt. Rated T for teen drinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Call the Doctor's!

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted over on ff.net under Karma22. I just wanted to start moving my stuff over from there. First time posting on AO3. Really excited to see if anyone likes!

Title: Call the Doctor's!

Author: Karma22  
Language: English,  
Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/Friendship

)o(  
Call the Doctor's!

So I was watching "Reaper-charged" on Hulu, when the main character Sam, was electrocuted. So his friend Sock said "You need a doctor." and the scene cuts to them in a bar and Sock is lining up shots and naming off the "doctors". So I was inspired. Here we go.

I do not own Glee or Reaper. I am just playing in this sandbox till my mom gets here with my snack and juice box. Gotta love that Chardonnay.

Just to warn y'all, you have now all boarded the Karma22 Express. Destination: HUMILIATION! For the boys of Glee anyway.

)o(

"She left. She's not going to let me be a father to my little girl. Finn, what am I going to do?" Puck looked up at his best friend, who was standing over where he was sitting on the bleachers.

Finn didn't say anything. He knew his best friend was hurting, but so was he. His best friend slept with the girl he was pretty sure he was going to spend the rest of his life loving. His best friend also got that girl pregnant. He didn't blame his best friend much for not telling him (he totally should have told him though!), Quinn had explained all that had happened and he understood why she did what she did, to a point. He was also heartbroken that Quinn had left. She had decided to go live with an aunt of hers in Tucson, AZ. He sat down abruptly next to Puck, and started to rub his neck, a sure sign that he was thinking about something serious.

"Dude, I'm still seriously pissed at you." Finn said, finally looking at Puck. "What you did was not cool and not in keeping with 'bros before ho's' because, well Quinn isn't a ho, but you know what I mean, and I don't know if I fully forgive you. I mean, we have been through so much together and it seems kinda pointless to completely throw away a 12 year friendship over this, but, I don't know, I'm still so pissed and-" Puck interrupted Finn's ramblings.

"So still not friends?" Puck asked.

"No, I think we can be, you just gotta give me time to-" Finn searched for the word he wanted. "Process."

"Dudes, you both look like some killed your puppy, then ran over it, and then decided that it would make a good dinner." Mike said as he walked up the stairs with Kurt and Matt in tow.

"Thank you, Michael, for that fantastic imagery. What is wrong with the both of you?" Kurt asked, taking out a compact to make sure that he was just a fabulous as ever.

"Mike's right, you both look as though someone kicked your puppy." Matt added, while looking at Kurt weirdly.

"Quinn's moving to Arizona to have the baby and she's gonna give it away there. She doesn't think that she's gonna come back." Finn finally said, looking up at the three guys looking at them.

"I know what you guys need," Mike said after a moment of silence, "You guys need the 'Doctors'!"

"Who are the doctors?" Kurt asked, curious.

All of the guys looked at each other, mischievous looks on their faces. "You don't know who the doctors are?" Puck asked. "Then I think that is our duty as 'teammates' that we introduce you to the 'doctors', you know, should you ever need their services in the future." Puck looked at Mike and asked, "'Rents out of town?"

"Yep. We are clear. Hey, we should invite Artie too. He has the new "Beatles Rockband" along .with the new guitar controller and I totally want to play. I totally think that I could own him!" Mike answered. "Plus he's part of the team too." Mike, Finn, Matt, Puck and Kurt had all gone up to Tanaka after the whole Thursday practice debacle and insisted that he make Artie a part of the team too, so Tanaka had put him in charge of 'hydration services'. But Artie, it turned out was a closet football fan. Tanaka quickly made him into his right hand man when during a practice, Artie had shown Tanaka a new play that worked the next game, winning them the whole game. After that, Artie was considered a part of the team and that meant that the whole football team was going to bat for him against the hockey team.

Kurt pulled out his phone and punched in Artie's speed dial number. When Artie picked up, Kurt started talking. "Artie, the boys and I will be having a little get together to drown some sorrows. Mike," He slapped Mike's hand away as Mike tried to get the phone away from him. "Mike wants you to bring your Beatles Rockband along so that he can, in his words 'own' you. I personally think that sounds a little dirty, but what you do behind the privacy of-"

"Dude, don't finish that sentence, 'cause then I might have to throw you into the dumpster, and since you're my teammate, that would just suck." Mike said, screwing his face up in a disgusted expression as he thought about the dirty images Kurt's voice brought to mind. He shook it off, then yelled into the phone, which was still attached to Kurt's right ear, "DUDE, tell us where you are, and we'll come and pick you up, then pick up the Rockband set then be off for my house. PARTY DUDE! PARTY!" The last part, Mike started to jump up and down where he was, clapping his hands, he was so excited. Kurt had uttered a girly shriek when Mike started yelling in his ear and had immediately started to rub his ear to attempt to get his hearing back.

"Yeah, dude, tone it down. You don't want people thinking that you're turning into Kurt. No offense, Kurt." Puck said the last part to Kurt, who was still trying to get the hearing back into his right ear. As Puck was sitting to his right, Kurt didn't hear what Puck said and came back with a loud "WHAT?" Puck continued, talking a little louder to accommodate Kurt's recent deafness. "I can swing by and pick him up." Puck said, this being something that he had done before when Artie's dad had called to say that he was running really late, and it was raining. Puck said that he would take Artie home in his truck so that he didn't have to wait for his dad. Puck had taken his truck and pulled right up on the sidewalk under the overhang in front of the school, and had helped Artie boost himself up to the passenger side of the truck. Puck had then folded the wheelchair and placed it in the back seat of his truck. So now whenever Artie's dad was running late or when the guys' jam sessions on the guitars ran late, Puck drove Artie home. Puck had noticed lately that slowly but surely, the kids that Puck had used to torment were becoming his best friends.

Matt grabbed the phone, after hearing Artie say "Huh?" and noticing that Kurt still was trying to get the hearing back in his ear. "Dude, are you free to hang this afternoon? Mike wants to play Rockband, and Puck said that he can pick you up."

"Uh, yeah, that's fine. I'm at my house right now, so if you guys want to hang here-" Artie started to say.

"Uh, Mike wants to do it at his house. Something about a new T.V. or something. So Puck and I will swing by in like thirty minutes, 'kay?" Matt asked Artie.

"Yeah, that's okay. See you in thirty." Artie disconnected and Matt and Mike high fived each other and yelled out as one, "PARTY!" Puck, Finn, and Kurt just stood back and shook their heads at the two.

One Hour Later...

"Okay, so here are the 'doctors'." Mike explained as he set up a series of shot glasses up in front of Kurt and Artie. Matt, Puck, and Finn already had their four shot glasses filled up. "The first is Doctor Jaeger, next is Doctor Cuervo, third is Doctor Daniels, and last is Doctor Captain Morgan. He's special, he has two titles." Mike said proudly, ignoring the looks of Kurt and Artie as they looked at the four shot glasses with something akin to horror for Kurt and curiosity from Artie.

"I thought that we were going to play 'Rockband'." Artie stated, looking at the shot glasses.

"We are, we just need to drink the doctors first. Finn and Puck are being total girls-" Matt started to say before he was interrupted by a loud "HEY!" from both of the guys. Matt continued as though the two of them hadn't said anything. "So we have gathered to take their minds off of their respective problems. So drink up, mateys, and tonight we party!" Matt finished with a flourish.

Everybody just looked at Matt like he was absolutely nuts. "Dude, no more Pirates of the Caribbean for you." Mike said so seriously that it cracked everyone up. After they had gotten the laughter out of their systems, all of the boys lifted up the first shot glass and yelled out as one "BONSAI!" and downed the first shot, followed quickly by the other three shots. After a chorus of grimaces and "Bleachs!" the guys got down to the very serious business of playing Rockband and beating each other in a game of one-upmanship.

Three Hours Later...

"Dood! We should like totally prank call people and things like 'Is Ima Idiot there?' and stuff like that." Finn said drunkenly as he tried to bounce the quarter into the shot glass. He missed, grimaced and then downed the shot of questionable origins. He was the only one still playing the game and more often than not, he missed the shot glass. The boys had decided that Rockband just wasn't cutting it, and they needed a more serious game. So Matt had stuck "Doom 3" in the X-Box 360 and had started to play it. He was sitting on the couch with Mike and Kurt while Puck and Artie were drunkenly jamming on the Rockband guitars that weren't connected. Things were going as well as could be expected, when suddenly a creature had jumped out of the darkness that was currently enveloping the TV screen. A "shit", "Damn, mofo is fugly!", and a girlish scream came from the couch all at the same time.

"Damn, Kurt, we know you're all 'lady fabulous' and all, but what's with the girly scream?" Puck asked as he, Artie, and Finn looked up at the couch.

"Uh, that wasn't me. I was the one who said 'mofo is fugly', Matt was the one who said 'Shit'." Kurt replied, drunkenly trying to push the hair off his face, but failing miserably. He just succeeded in messing his hair up. When all of the boys had processed what he said, they all turned to the red-faced teen in the middle of the couch.

"What? Scary things are like ten times scarier when I'm drunk!" Mike said, his face getting even redder. There was a moment of silence among the boys before they all burst out laughing at Mike. He tried to attack Puck, but just ended up tripping over the coffee table and prompted another round of hysterical, drunken laughter.

Suddenly Finn spoke up. "I'm hungry." The boys thought about it for a minute and all of them decided that they were hungry also. But unfortunately they were all hungry for different kinds of food. Matt really wanted Thai and Chinese food, Puck and Finn wanted mushroom, pepperoni, and pineapple pizza, Artie wanted bar-b-que, Mike wanted soul food, and Kurt wanted Italian. Because everyone ordered different things, the next hour was filled with numerous rings of the doorbell as each of the delivery people dropped off the food. All of the boys just sat in various spots in the living room and started eating their food once everything was there.

"Dude! I'm a GUN!" Mike suddenly exclaimed, from where he was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table and watching the game that was on TV. "Totally awesome!"

The rest of the boys just looked at the Asian boy like he was out of his mind. Kurt finally spoke up. " How do you figure, Michael?"

"Okay, so like you and Artie are Gleeks, right? Geek and Glee together is Gleek. Well, if you put Glee and Jock together, you get Glock! Dudes," Mike said, indicating the rest of the boys, "We're guns!"

The other "Glocks" just looked at the Other Asian in drunken incredulity. "Dude, you are thirty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag of ugly." Puck said, going back to his pizza and trying to annihilate Finn at Call of Duty 4. For some reason, Artie found this to be hilarious and started laughing hysterically, and dropped his ribs on his front and then his lap. This started the rest of the boys laughing and it was quite a while before anyone could stop laughing, except Kurt who freaked out and started yelling that if they didn't get some seltzer on the stains, they were never coming out. He ran over to Artie and started trying to take his shirt off. The "Glocks" were holding their sides from laughter especially when Artie started yelling back that he knew that Kurt always wanted him, but drunken lust never lasted. Kurt stopped trying to strip Artie for a moment to say "Eww!" and then went back to trying to get Artie's shirt off. The rest of the group could do nothing but laugh as random yelps and "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!" came from Kurt and Artie's corner of the room.

After Artie finally punched Kurt to get him off of him, and Kurt had gone off to the corner with a bottle of Jack to sulk, the boys finished eating their food and turned on the music and continued to down some alcohol. Puck, Finn, Artie, and Matt started playing Halo and the Glocks kept shooting glances at Mike who was fidgeting on the sofa.

Artie noticed the looks at Mike and started wondering what was up. Finally he asked Puck, "What? Why do you keep shooting looks at Kime? I mean, Mike?" Artie, being three sheets to the wind, messed up Mike's name.

"Any minute now, he's gonna get up and start dancing. He can't help it. It's like the second he gets really plastered, like he is right now, he starts to dance. And you know he's a good dancer, right? Not so when he's drunk. He gets ridiculous when he's drunk. He starts looking like Finn does normally." Puck said. Puck's buzz was wearing off, so he lined up four shots of various hard alcohols, and downed them quickly. "I wish I had some weed. We could totally round table it!"

"Yeah, wait-I'm not that bad!" Finn said, slugging Puck in the arm. "Dude, we could have so much fun if we round tabled it!"

"Yes you are." Puck said, slugging Finn back so hard, that he gave Finn a dead arm. "I wish we had some weed."

Suddenly Mike jumped up from the couch, and ran out of the room. Everyone just looked after him, and then looked at each other and shrugged and went back to what they were doing until they heard a thump from upstairs. "What the fuck is Mike doing up there?" Puck asked. Finn, Matt, Kurt, and Artie just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.

Kurt was laying on the couch looking at some of the artwork around the house when his upside down gaze landed on a still life of exotic fruits. He lay there for a while, contemplating the great mysteries of fruit, when suddenly he had a thought.

"Puck, you're like a pineapple."

"What? How did we get from Mike's drunk dancing, to Puck being a pineapple?" Artie asked looking at Kurt from across the room.

"Yeah, I want to know why I'm a pineapple." Puck asked, pausing the game to look at Kurt.

"You have this hard, prickly outside that normanlly," Kurt giggled when he got 'normally' wrong, "puts people off from buying you, cause most people don't want to deal with the hard outside to get to the sweet inside. And then there's your inside. After the hard, prickly outside, you've got this sweet, succulent, mushy inside. Therefore you are a pineapple." Kurt finished, proud of himself for being able to get his thoughts out.

"Dude, never say succulent again." Puck said, before cracking up because he said 'succulent'.

"Guys, I just talked with my psychic and you know-" Mike ran down the stairs excitedly and jumped onto the couch that Kurt was currently lying on. Kurt gave a little screech when it seemed like he was going to get bounced off, but he managed to keep his position. He tried to kick Mike, but Mike was like a secret ninja and able to block all of Kurt's attempts. Kurt finally gave up and went back to contemplating his fruits.

"Hold up, wait a minute! You have a psychic?" Matt said, his drink halfway to his mouth. "You actually talk to a psychic?"

"Yeah, how else am I going to know if it's going to be a good enough day to get up and face the world for?" Mike asked seriously. "But seriously, guess what she told me?"

"I'm telling you right now Mike, if you finish this brain fart of yours, you're opening yourself up to a serious mocking. Like 'Won't let you forget about this for days'. Like 'I will tell the football team and the Cheerios this little secret' mocking." Puck stated, not looking away from the TV screen. "I will take away your man card. Like seriously take it away from you and you will never get it back if you make us listen to your crackpot psychic."

"Oh, but she has ESPN! She knows things!" Mike said, defending his psychic. "She knew that something big in my life was going to happen soon, and it totally has! Your fight with Finn was epic man! She knows!"

"ESPN? Man, you and Brittany are more perfect for each other than anyone thinks!" Kurt said, trying one more time to kick Mike. When his kick actually landed in Mike side, he crowed in triumph and then turned his attention back to the conversation, missing Mike's dirty look. When Mike hit him on the leg he turned back to scowl at him, he noticed what Mike was wearing. "Mike, why are you wearing Superman Footie pjs?" At Kurt's question, four heads whipped around to stare at Mike.

"Cause, I wanted to be comfy, man, and my cousin got these for me as a gag gift, and they totally rock!" Mike said, going to the stereo and plugging in his iPod. Soon the intro to "Tootsee Roll" was heard throughout the living room. Mike started to butterfly his legs, turning the knees in towards each other and then out. He added some frantic arm movements also. All in all the effort looked like a monkey trying to dance.

"Wow, you're right, he loses all dance coordination when he's drunk." Artie said, and he went to join Mike in dancing. He started to pop wheelies and rock the chair side to side. He tried to mimic Mike's arm movements, but just ended up looking like he was trying to swat flies away from his head. The Tootsee Roll then morphed into The Rockerfeller Skank, at which time Matt decided that he had to join in. After that song ended Gettin' Jiggy With It came on, and Kurt decided that he had to join in. Soon all of the boys were dancing except Puck but no one noticed that he had left the room. Eye of the Tiger came on and the five guys dancing unconsciously let Finn take the lead. None of them noticed the video camera that came around the corner of the room from the hall pointed at them, and the blinking red light that indicated that the video camera was recording. It caught Finn singing falsetto along with the lyrics, Matt, Mike, and Kurt alternately providing backup vocals and dancing, and Artie shredding a mean air guitar. When the song ended, the video camera was pulled back around the corner without any of the guys in the living room noticing and the video was saved. Just when all of the guys noticed that Puck hadn't been there, he came around the corner commenting on how no one wanted to use the hall bath for at least an hour. Soon after, the Gleeks and Glocks were passed out on various surfaces of the living room.

Monday Morning...

"Nice singing, dude." Some random hockey player said to Finn as he passed the footballer standing at his locker. Finn heard some random sniggering, but didn't think anything of it. Mike and Matt were standing there also and they saw Kurt and Artie walking (or rolling) down the hallway towards them.

"Yeah, you guys have some mad singing and dancing skillz!" Karofsky said sarcastically as he came up to the group at the same time that Kurt and Artie reached them. Karofsky and his lackeys started laughing at the boys.

"Uh, thanks? Wait, when did you all see us singing? The last time was our performance three months ago. And you already told us what you thought about that." Mike said, scratching his head in confusion.

The hockey guys just started laughing harder then they walked away. As they were walking away, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel, Brittany, and Santana came up to them.

"Mike, why didn't you tell us about your little sleepover?" Brittany asked as she checked Santana's hair for any flyaways.

"Uh- What are you talking about?" Mike tried to stall even though he saw that look in Santana's eye like she had just spotted her prey. She was like a lioness who just spotted the weak gazelle in the herd. Mike had a moment of self-pride for thinking that. It's not every day that you have genius thoughts like that. But he also knew what that look was. Santana knew something and she wanted to pounce.

"We saw-"

"Wheels, Gay Kid, Shaft, Frankenteen, and Other Asian! If I ever see you put on a spectacle like I saw online, I will personally dress you all up in dresses myself! Gay Kid can do your makeup. That was despicable! I never want to see you murder a perfect acceptable song like Tootsee Roll again! What in Madonna's great name is Schuester teaching you in that hellhole you call Glee Club?" Sue Sylvester stood in her royal purple tracksuit yelling at the group of boys standing (and sitting) in the hallway. "And you!" She pointed at the Cheerios, "You need to seriously consider getting new boyfriends, cause the longer your boyfriends spend around the gay kid, the more likely they are to turn gay! Gays are sneaky like that!" and with that Sue walked down the hall, hitting the books out of a girl's arms, and throwing another kid into the lockers.

Finn scrunched up his nose as he tried to remember what the last thing they had posted online was. He was pretty sure that the last thing they had posted online was when they had tried to see if you could roller skate with two skate boards on your feet. They had made Matt get up there, and he kept on falling down, but they hadn't done a music track to that. The only time that he had heard the Tootsee Roll was last night...

"Wait what did she mean 'murder an acceptable song like Tootsee Roll'?" Finn asked, still confused.

"Let us show you." Rachel whipped out her iPhone and quickly found the Youtube page that, to all five teenage boy's horror contained a video of all of their drunk dancing and lip syncing from Friday night. The Tootsee Roll was there, the Rockerfeller Skank, them Gettin' Jiggy with It, and last but not least Eye of the Tiger—complete with the drunk dance moves, air guitars, and really bad singing. At this point the girls were all snickering, trying not to laugh out loud, but Mercedes and Tina were failing miserably. They had to turn away to wipe the tears out of their eyes from trying to hold in the laughter. The five boys didn't know what to say, they couldn't flat out deny it being them, the picture was crystal clear.

"Hey Mike, nice pj's!" A footballer called as he and his buddies walked past the group of kids. Mike turned bright red and tried to hide behind Finn.

"Yeah, did your mommy pick those out for you? You're such a big boy to be wearing pajamas like that, aren't you?" Another kid from the football team teased. His words got a huge laugh from the remaining buddies and made Mike blush even brighter red up to his roots and the tips of his ears.

"So you guys don't notice who's missing, do you?" Rachel asked as she closed out the application on her phone.

"No, Me, Artie, Mike, Matt, Finn and-wait, Puck's not in this!" Kurt exclaimed.

"But he was in the bathroom." Finn pointed out. He didn't think that Puck would-wait, Puck would do something like this. "Where is he?" Finn asked, a dangerous tone coming into his voice as he, Matt, Artie, and Kurt started looking around the hallway for the Mohawked bad boy.

"Why do you need to know where Puck is?" Mike asked, still in the dark about who shot the video of him in his footie pj's. He was still on being epically embarrassed that the whole school knew that he sometimes wore and danced around in Superman footie pj's.

"Cause he's the one who videotaped our extreme embarrassment! He now needs to die!" Kurt exclaimed.

"What were you all doing that night?" Santana asked.

"Yeah, and why weren't we invited?" Mercedes asked Kurt.

"Puck and Finn were upset that Quinn is moving away and we wanted to cheer them up so we went to my house to call the doctor's and then we all got too drunk for them to leave, so they stayed and we ordered food, and Kurt tried to strip Artie, and then I went upstairs to talk to my psychic and then I put on the pj's, which are cool thank you very much, and then I came downstairs, and Kurt was talking about how Puck is like a pineapple, and I told them about my psychic, and then I felt like dancing and then Artie started dancing, and then Kurt and then Finn, and OH MY GOD! PUCK IS THE ONE THAT FILMED US!" Mike stopped his distracted rambling as he came to the conclusion that the other boys had come to quite some time ago. Even Finn had gotten it before him.

Suddenly Artie, who was facing the main doors, stiffened and nudged Finn. He looked down and noticed Artie gesturing to the front doors. Finn looked up and stiffened. When he went totally still, he caught the attention of Matt, Mike, and Kurt. He gestured in the same way that Artie had, and the three boys turned to see Puck walking into the school like he was on top of the world. Puck stopped suddenly when he noticed the Glee club standing in the middle of the main hallway, half of them (the guys) were standing there with murderous looks on their faces, and the other half (the girls) were standing there with big smiles on their faces. When the rebel yell of "Get 'im!" came from Finn's lips, Puck knew what they were talking about and took off down a side hallway.

The last thing you heard as the guys of Glee club chased took off after him was his Puck's maniacal laughter and the shouted threats of the boys thundering after him.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so some of this actually happened, and most of it was made up. But I really hoped you enjoyed it, and if you did enjoy your time on the Karma22 Express and truly felt that we reached Destination: Humiliation, please drop me a line. A huge thanks to Novice242 for her help inspiring me to the end of this journey. This story has been on my hard drive for months now, and if it weren't for her constant reminders to me about maybe kickin' it into gear on this, this story probably never would have made it to the internet! So thanks Novice242! 
> 
> Novice242 was my beta over on ff.net. She is awesome. You should go over and read her stuff!


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